The great enemy within…

29 July, 2015

One can’t write a blog on searching for meaning and purpose in life without writing about the Great Enemy Within: Resistance.

A killer of creativity, dreams, and passion, resistance stops us in our tracks and sends us back in to the safety of habits, patterns, and comfort zones – where nothing grows.

One of the best books, that I have read, that deals with resistance is Steven Pressfield’s book, the War of Art (2002). Pressfield writes:

“Every sun casts a shadow, and the genius’s shadow is Resistance. As powerful as is our soul’s call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it.”

Yes, resistance is my shadow, your shadow, and our collective shadow.

For me, the “sun” is the search for meaning and purpose, so it makes sense that the “shadow” of my resistance hits me in this place. This is how it plays out. I start off with an idea – I feel it, work out why it feels right, and then make a plan to see it through. Ever so slowly and subtly, I get distracted, usually by everyday life.

When I attempt to return to my goal, I hear voice inside say, “what’s the point”, which actually means, “there is no point; Life is meaningless, so give up.”

The last time I got into this existential funk was when I was about to start a writing course. I heard those three destructive words and sat in silence for, what seemed, a long time.

Then, for the first time, I heard another voice inside. It was a quiet, gentle voice that said, “Deb, Life is a mystery – you never know what is going to happen.” Those words were like a lifeline out of the shadows and back into the sun.

Where these words came from, I don’t know. What I do know is that, straightaway, I signed up for my course and have not looked back.

My resistance thinks it is some sort of authority on Life.

I suppose it is there to try to keep me safe, but safe from what – my own creativity? In a previous post, I wrote about the many clients I have seen who struggle with safety (resistance) versus creativity. More often than not, this is a painful battle.

Sometimes won.

Sometimes lost.

Steven Pressfield suggests that, to battle through resistance, we need to act like a “pro” – someone who gets up every day and gets down to work whether we feel like it, or not. Do not give in to the inner critic, or the easy way out.

What I believe is that, behind my resistance, there is a ground of truth where my soul’s purpose flows easily. It is a gentle and kind place where that quiet voice lives, and my creativity is born.

I know the power of my resistance is always ready to jump in and add its 2 cents worth, but now I can remember those words, step into the mystery of Life and see where it takes me.

There’s a Hole in my Soul…

21 July, 201529 March, 2016

Healing temple at Asklepios, Greece. — Healing temple at Asklepios, Greece where patients revealed their Dreams to help with their healing.

There are many issues that psychotherapists deal with, but not many therapies are specifically developed to deal with issues of the Soul.

Some believe that this is best left to religion to sort out, but not everyone follows a religious path, and many are starting to identify as SBNR, or Spiritually Independent. I have noticed that it is this group of people who are turning to psychotherapy to deal with such issues.

And, why not?

The word psychotherapy derives from the ancient Greek words psyche meaning soul and therapeia meaning healing. Healing the soul is what we are meant to be doing, as well as healing the mind and heart.

Each client brings their own perspective on soul issues, but I have noticed a common theme – a feeling of emptiness deep inside. Some believe that a lack of purpose in Life is the cause of this empty feeling; some say that they feel so caught up in the “rat race” that they have no time to experience the deeper aspects of their lives. They say that organized religion is not the right “container” for their souls to flourish, but they struggle to find anything in life that fulfils this need. I know this place. I have struggled with that empty feeling and it can be a difficult path to navigate through.

So, how can psychotherapy help the Soul?

First, we can provide the space for our clients to explore these deeper issues, rather than analyzing them away, or finding a way to make them issues of the mind. This is a reductionist view on Soul issues. If you are seeking help with this, try to find a therapist who is holistic in their approach and will incorporate the Soul into their practice.

In my own therapy, I was able to explore some of the things that brought meaning to my life, such as being in Nature. I have also taken up writing as a way of trying to express my deeper self. In my private practice, I try to encourage my clients to find their own path to self /soul actualization. Rather than depending on the world to create it for them, I ask them to explore what they can do to fulfill their own needs.

Self-responsibility is a key to this journey! With time and work, they have found a way to express their soul-purposes in life through meaningful work, creativity, being in nature, helping others, and intimate relationships, to name a few.

This “soul therapy” can lead to a different way of being in Life.

I noticed that, when I started to live from this place, I saw things differently. I let go of people who were only interested in drama and I started to feel connected to people, place and things that brought meaning into my life.

When I feel disconnected, I notice that I start to feel depressed and empty again. This is a sign that change is needed, or that I got caught up in something that pulled me away from my purpose.

The important thing is this: find what is meaningful for you in your own life and live your life from that place. It may be difficult at first, but ask for support. There are people out there on their own paths, either going through, or have been through, these struggles. That “hole in your soul” could be filled with all of the things that make your life more meaningful – and joyful, too.

When Nature beckons…

8 July, 2015

Out cottage. © A. Simonovic — Our cottage.
© A. Simonovic

There is a “call” from Nature that is deeply rooted in many Canadians, especially during the summer. Beckoned out of our winter hangover, which lasts for 6 months, we are called to the lakes, trees, mountains and forests. Last weekend, I spent time at my cottage (or for non-Canadians – my cabin) just outside Barry’s Bay, Ontario. Set on a small island, on a beautiful fresh water lake, we found this little place 5 years ago on a visit to my relatives, who have a cottage on the other side of the island. The cottage was abandoned, in disrepair, and needed a lot of TLC! The process has been mythological at times – the call, the journey, and the transformation of the cottage into a place that is integrated with its surroundings. It is a continual work in progress, but there is a deep satisfaction in being part of the change that has taken place. It has been difficult, but rewarding to say the least.

View from the cottage. © A. Simonovic — View from inside the cottage.
© A. Simonovic

A personal transformation also takes place as I cross the lake. All that “city thinking” dissipates in the wind a and a feeling of natural bliss takes over. I can feel it happening. One moment I am on the shoreline feeling damp and miserable because mosquitoes are buzzing in my ears and biting me. The next minute, I am on our motor boat midway through the lake and joy takes over. The lake is quiet. Nature makes its presence known through the wind and the waves hitting the boat. Like entering another realm of existence, a new state of being emerges. We have no electricity (except our neighbour lets us plug in our electric cooler for food), and no running water (we collect lake water in big jugs for washing up). We have to rely on “primitive” ways to live here – fire, a Coleman stove, and an outhouse. I love it!

I thought deeply about this experience this past weekend and I tried to figure out the difference between my city existence and my cottage existence. The only conclusion I came to was that Nature dominates in cottage country. There is a natural flow that is easy to follow when there are no schedules, or time limits, to adhere to. My body goes with this flow. Having no electricity for lighting helps me with the process of winding down for the evening. The morning sun tells me it is time to wake up; the heat tells me when it is time to swim. There is no concrete, no buildings, and no people in our view line – only lake, sky and thousands of trees. This life in Nature makes me become aware of how tired I feel from my busy-ness. My city brain has shut off and I am free just to be. This is also a place for my Soul – simple, quiet, and peaceful. I am grateful that this experience is possible for me. I am someone who needs to stare up at the sky, or look out on the lake for a long time. It is my form of mediation.

Our lake. © T. Simonovic — Our lake.
© T. Simonovic

The city also has a place in my life and it, too, calls me back. I have to admit that there is a sadness I feel as I watch the cottage and beach disappear as we take the boat back to the mainland, but my Soul is rejuvenated and I carry this feeling back home knowing that I will return.

Finding meaning through suffering

26 June, 2015

As we go through our journey in life, most of us have periods of suffering. This suffering comes to us in many shapes and forms, from an event that may be out of our control, to the acute pain of tragedy and loss. In my private practice, Suffering has walked through the door nearly every time. Like an old friend, I try to greet it with compassion no matter what form it shows up in. Sometimes, I fail. I had a client who came to a session very upset because her “friends” on Facebook were “unfollowing” her. On the surface this seemed like a first world problem, and I felt irritated by her upset. As we started to peel back the layers, her deepest pain was a fear of abandonment, and I was humbled once again. Suffering always has a lesson to teach me!

My view on suffering changed when I read Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning (1959) as a student psychotherapist. Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who was imprisoned by the Nazis and sent to various concentration camps from 1942-1945. During this time, when the prisoners had been stripped of everything in their lives, Frankl noticed that certain inmates were able to bear their situation better than others. They chose how they wanted to be,and act, despite their losses. For example, some were able to find meaning through caring for other prisoners. Others would give away their portions of food to those who were struggling in this bleak environment. These people did not let their circumstances dictate their own personal attitudes and actions. After the war was over, Frankl went on to write about his experiences in the death camps and developed a theory on finding meaning in life. He observed:

…we can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take to unavoidable suffering. (pg. 133)

This last point gave me insight into my own suffering. Rather than wanting to escape from any pain I was facing, or faced in the past, I chose to find meaning. Rather than wanting a quick-fix, I chose to go through the pain and see what I could learn from these experiences. It was really difficult, but I found a deeper compassion for myself, and for others, which I try to reflect in my psychotherapy practice. I have seen suffering on many different levels, with unique meaning for each client. The client, which I mentioned before, started to understand what true friendship meant for her. She realized that she had been neglecting her 2 closest friends, whom she had known since childhood, in favour of “friends” on social media sites. She was able to see that she had become the abandoner, and this led her to reconnect with the people who truly loved and cared for her. She found meaning, and her suffering led her to a place of gratitude for the people in her life.

I am sure that Suffering will come knocking on my door at some point in the future. I will try to meet it with the same fortitude that Viktor Frankl describes in his book. It will be painful, but not meaningless.

Leaving the harbour

18 June, 2015

In my last post I wrote about being in limbo, waiting for an external source to give me an answer to the question – what are my next steps?

Well, I did get an answer, but not the one I was expecting. On the same day, two people, a client in a session, and a friend, said the same quote to me:

“A ship is safe in harbor…but that is not what ships are for.”

William Shedd

Such simple words, but so true.

I guess we can play it safe and stay in our “harbours”, our comfort zones, but is that what we are built for? Is that a big enough purpose to see us through our lives?

The more I think about this, I start to wonder how many of us do not do what we are meant to be doing with our lives. How many of us stay safe and do not express our deeper selves, and our talents?

Over the years, I have seen many clients with skills and capabilities that filled me with inspiration. I was a witness to their potential, but their fears and beliefs held them back.

Some of them were able to work through the mental obstacles and go on to create businesses, or projects, that reflected who they are.

Others, sadly, couldn’t get past their belief systems, but I hold onto hope that, one day, they will be able to share themselves with the world.

My client said she found the quote and was thinking about it for her own life. My friend said it to me because I was not sure of my next steps. I thought writing was a way that I could express my thoughts and ideas, but was frightened of rejection, or failure.

When I heard this quote for the second time, I knew I had to take notice.

There are many qualities needed to take the first steps: courage and perseverance are just two of them. I needed support, and asking for help is difficult for an independent person like me.

But help I sought, and it came my way. I started a writing course, met some supportive people and created my blog.

I can still hear that little voice inside saying to me, “you shouldn’t be doing this because you are making a fool of yourself.” These harsh words and criticisms don’t have the same effect on me like they use to have. I know it is just my fear talking, trying to protect me.

To continue with this metaphor, I feel like I am just pulling out of the harbour and leaving the safety of the shore. There is a big ocean out there to be explored, and I am excited to see what will happen and who I will meet on the way.

(For an update on this post, click here).

” I myself am a question…”

12 June, 2015

The search for meaning has been a journey for many people over the centuries, and there have been a few who have inspired me. One such person was the Swiss psychiatrist, Carl G. Jung. Jung started off as a follower of Sigmund Freud, and was deemed to be the “crown prince” to carry on Freud’s legacy. It is difficult to explain the complexities of their relationship in a 600 word blog post, but, in the end, they had a famous parting of ways. Jung wanted to explore his own ideas, which went beyond the scope of Freud’s theories. In his later years, Jung moved towards more transpersonal theories which incorporated the spiritual life of human beings. He was able to explain how mankind was capable of transformation and integrating aspects of the individual psyche, as well as the collective psyche, in a conscious and meaningful way. I was introduced to Jung during the first year of my psychotherapy training. His thoughts on psychotherapy, religion, symbolism and culture expanded my mind and broadened my spiritual landscape.

Before he died, Jung wrote a great autobiography on his life called, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, (1963). Here, he reflected back and described his life, and spiritual journey, in great detail. There are many things he wrote about in this book that were meaningful to me, but there is one quote that, to this day, is a guiding star for me on my path. This is what he wrote:

The meaning of my existence is that life has addressed a question to me. Or, conversely, I myself am a question which is addressed to the world, and I must communicate my answer, for otherwise I am dependent upon the world’s answer. That is a suprapersonal life task, which I accomplish only by effort and with difficulty. (pg.350)

This is profound stuff! Jung was one of those people who, even after they pass away, leaves a ripple effect for years to come, and he certainly left an impact on me. Thinking deeply about this quote, I believe he is saying that my life is a quest-ion and it is my responsibility to find the answers for myself. If I do not do this, I will rely on the world, or society, to tell me who I am, what I believe, and how I should live my life. At times, I have relied on the world for answers, not making an effort to find them for myself. Before I started writing this blog I felt like I was in limbo – waiting for something to happen, or to get some sort of direction from a mysterious, external source on the next steps in my life. But, nothing happened. Something inside of me sought expression and then I remembered this quote. I realized that it was down to me to find a way to communicate who I am, and what I want to put out into the world. One of my biggest fears was writing, but at the same time it was what I wanted to do, so I faced my fears and “peeling back an onion” was born. I am still searching for answers (perhaps, I always will), and I can attempt to convey my inner life in the best way I know how.

From time to time, I bring this guidance into the therapy room as I aim to provide the place for my clients to find their own answers for the life they want to live. As Jung reminds us, this is a lifelong task, which takes effort and can be difficult. But, in my experience, the rewards of living a meaningful life outweigh the difficulties to achieve this. I can’t imagine another journey that I would rather be on than the one I am on right now.

recurring dream

4 June, 2015

As I wrote in my first post, my search for the meaning of existence moved from an outer journey to an inner journey that I am traversing to this day. However, there is an intersection where outer and inner meet and this is in dreams. Dreams have helped me throughout my life. They have helped me towards growth, and guided me away from danger. My last therapist, Anthony Lunt, was the person who helped me to deepen my understanding of my dream life. I even had a dream that told me I should see him for therapy before I knew much about him.

The dream life of human beings used to be taken very seriously in ancient times, where special places were used to help people “incubate” their dreams for spiritual guidance from the Gods. There were priests who would facilitate this process, and those who sought this guidance would stay until a message was received. Sadly, today, our dream lives have been reduced down to books that give a generalized meaning for dreams, and many of us do not take their guidance seriously. When a client brings a dream, in my private practice, we look at the meaning uniquely to them and not a general interpretation.

©Frank Kovalchek, Flickr — **©Frank Kovalchek; Flickr**

I have had a series of dreams, or it could be a recurring dream, over the past 10 years, where outer life and inner life meet. Each dream starts off differently. In one version, I am on a road, or path, at the bottom of a town, like an Italian hill top town. I turn left and there are a row of houses down a narrow street. I am searching for the Piazza, or centre of town, to get to the market. I another version, I am in the same town, but turn right. The path leads down to a beach, with cafes and people all around. I realize that I need to get back up the hill to search for the Piazza. Every dream is in the same town, with the same aim of getting to the centre. I just keep taking different roads. Like a maze, the streets lead me further into the town; some lead nowhere and I have to turn back, others lead me closer to my destination. The town is beautiful, full of flowers and cafes, and small shops. I don’t recognize any of the people, but they are friendly and welcoming. Each dream ends the same way – I become aware, or conscious, that I am getting close to the centre and then I wake up. The Piazza eludes me to this day! However, I wake up feeling really well, like I’ve been to a place that I am meant to be in.

What I find interesting about this dream is that I have never been to a hill top town in Italy; I have only been to Rome. So, why is the Dream presented to me in this “place” and not in a town that I have spent time in? Hill top towns were built for defense purposes, so I wonder what this is telling me. Another thought is the maze-like quality of the town. Mazes can represent a spiritual path, and a puzzle to be solved, to get to the centre. And this is what makes the most sense to me. The town is a representation of myself, and I am trying to get to my own centre; the centre of my life. It is a continuous journey, but the mystery of my life, and possibly of Existence, still eludes me. But it is not a meaningless undertaking. I wake up feeling like I am in a place I am meant to be in, and this journey brings me a feeling of well being and, on deeper reflection, as sense of inner peace.

Perhaps Italy holds this place for me as a manifestation of the Dream on Earth. I am not sure, but a trip to Italy may be needed for research purposes (and, of course, the food, culture and architecture are added bonuses). Each time I have this dream, I am reminded that Life is a journey, and a path of self-discovery. I would love to know what you think.

difficulty at the beginning……

29 May, 2015

So, here I am, ready to start my Quest and…….. I already feel stuck. I am not sure where to start. I have many thoughts and ideas, but in what order do I post them to my blog? How do I get the flow right? These thoughts stop me in my tracks and, rather than writing, I end up going through the possibilities and choices over, and over, in my mind. This could be a form of resistance to writing; to putting my thoughts out into the world.

I use Richard Wilhelm translation. — I use the Richard Wilhelm translation.

As I was sitting at my desk in my office, staring at my computer, I glanced over to my book shelf and saw the I Ching. I guess a very short introduction is warranted here. The I Ching is an ancient Chinese book, possibly written by Lao Tzu and Confucius, long before the religions of today. The basis of this philosophy is that change is inevitable, and how you conduct yourself, even during difficult times, is important to your own human development. There are 2 books in one: a Book of Wisdom and a Book of Oracles. Most people who study the IChing follow the Oracle. I rarely use the Oracle and choose to read it mainly for wise counsel. For a spiritual seeker, it is like a map on how to proceed.

There is a reading (known as a hexagram) in the I Ching, called “Difficulty at the Beginning”, which seemed perfect for my dilemma and, at this stage, I needed some sagely advice. What I took away from it was:

struggle is to be expected
accept the struggle and persevere
seek help from others

This hexagram compares the journey to giving birth. Something wants to come forth, take form, and use the Creative forces to express itself. Perhaps my stuckness is a kind of “labour pain” in the process of starting out on this writing journey? In the past, I would have given up at this stage, not from laziness or fear, but from believing that the difficulty was some sort of “sign” that I was heading in the wrong direction. The path of least resistance was what I believed in back then. Sitting here, reflecting back, I wonder how many great ideas I gave up on too soon? Did I stop my own creativity from flowing because I faced difficulty at the beginning? I know I didn’t take the time to reflect on what was going on for me. I just gave up. But, this is not part of my journey now, and the I Ching confirmed this.

Hexagram for Difficulty at the Beginning

The hexagram also recommends not pushing too hard, or forcing the issue. This can lead to disappointment, or even disaster. I guess the main advice I took away from this is “you are on the right path, it may be tough at first, but be gentle and kind to yourself, talk to others and keep going”.

So, what did I learn? To be stuck at the get-go is humbling, but I am ok with this. I may have all the ideas, in my inner world, of what I want to write about, but it may not progress in the way I expect it to; being open to other possibilities needs to be embraced. Those old voices, that use to dominate my thoughts and feelings, still appear when I am starting a new project. I need to remind myself that there is no pressure and that I want to learn from my journey and enjoy it. I can see the lessons, and I can get support. And, I can write about it!

…like peeling back an onion

20 May, 2015

Welcome to my blog!

Life is mysterious, complicated, simple, interesting, scary and, for someone like me, meaningful.

I have been a spiritual, and philosophical, seeker since I was young. In my teens, I would have epiphany-like experiences from watching movies, listening to music and being in nature.

It felt like I was having an experience of God, or the Universe, or my preferred reference, Life. I found convention a challenge and always wanted to know more, or something different from what I was being taught.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book, Eat Pray Love (2006), described it as being, “born with the itch, the mad and relentless urge to understand the workings of existence.” I get this! This itch led me to travel in my early 20’s and live in some beautiful countries, such as the Greek Islands (Paros), Israel (on a Moshav), France, Holland and then England. Travelling really appealed to my nomadic heart; something I still have today.

All I had was a small back pack, my passport and a strong desire to know the world. I had no possessions, very little money, but a strong sense that Life would take care of me, and it did. When I needed a job, I would meet a friend who would tell me they were looking for staff at a beachfront cafe, or help in a camp site. Somehow, I was able to save money to get to my next destination, so from Greece I went to Egypt, ran out of money, and went to work in Israel.

This was the pattern for a few years and I loved it.

Paros, home for 5 months! — Paros, home for 5 months.

But after a while, I started to notice the itch was back, but in a different way this time. It was on the inside, and the outside world didn’t have the answers for me. I decided to settle in London and not return to Canada, where I grew up. I got a job, attended New Age spiritual groups and workshops, trying to find some access to my deeper self. I then decided to get into my own therapy, trying to understand what was going on for me.

Again, Life intervened. Someone I met at the Findhorn Foundation in Scotland, told me about a psychotherapy clinic, in London, that integrated spirituality and psychotherapy. This was my introduction to therapy and this type of inner exploration worked for me. I was able to work on past pain, and see life through a different lens from the one I was taught to see from.

I also discovered that I liked working with people and discussing their lives with them, so I decided to study to become a psychotherapist in my late 20’s. This same clinic also offered a training program, and I decided to follow this path. Twenty years later, the itch is still there, but not as intense as it used to be. I still get the urge to travel around the world, but my quest now is to continue to dig deeper and wider on the inside, to get to the core of things, and expand my consciousness.

“Peeling back an onion” is a place for this quest to be explored. This is a metaphor I have often used in my psychotherapy practice to mean getting deeper into issues, and Life itself. I am not sure where this journey is heading, but I hope you will join me on the way.