Finding meaning through suffering

26 June, 2015

As we go through our journey in life, most of us have periods of suffering. This suffering comes to us in many shapes and forms, from an event that may be out of our control, to the acute pain of tragedy and loss. In my private practice, Suffering has walked through the door nearly every time. Like an old friend, I try to greet it with compassion no matter what form it shows up in. Sometimes, I fail. I had a client who came to a session very upset because her “friends” on Facebook were “unfollowing” her. On the surface this seemed like a first world problem, and I felt irritated by her upset. As we started to peel back the layers, her deepest pain was a fear of abandonment, and I was humbled once again. Suffering always has a lesson to teach me!

My view on suffering changed when I read Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning (1959) as a student psychotherapist. Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who was imprisoned by the Nazis and sent to various concentration camps from 1942-1945. During this time, when the prisoners had been stripped of everything in their lives, Frankl noticed that certain inmates were able to bear their situation better than others. They chose how they wanted to be,and act, despite their losses. For example, some were able to find meaning through caring for other prisoners. Others would give away their portions of food to those who were struggling in this bleak environment. These people did not let their circumstances dictate their own personal attitudes and actions. After the war was over, Frankl went on to write about his experiences in the death camps and developed a theory on finding meaning in life. He observed:

…we can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take to unavoidable suffering. (pg. 133)

This last point gave me insight into my own suffering. Rather than wanting to escape from any pain I was facing, or faced in the past, I chose to find meaning. Rather than wanting a quick-fix, I chose to go through the pain and see what I could learn from these experiences. It was really difficult, but I found a deeper compassion for myself, and for others, which I try to reflect in my psychotherapy practice. I have seen suffering on many different levels, with unique meaning for each client. The client, which I mentioned before, started to understand what true friendship meant for her. She realized that she had been neglecting her 2 closest friends, whom she had known since childhood, in favour of “friends” on social media sites. She was able to see that she had become the abandoner, and this led her to reconnect with the people who truly loved and cared for her. She found meaning, and her suffering led her to a place of gratitude for the people in her life.

I am sure that Suffering will come knocking on my door at some point in the future. I will try to meet it with the same fortitude that Viktor Frankl describes in his book. It will be painful, but not meaningless.

” I myself am a question…”

12 June, 2015

The search for meaning has been a journey for many people over the centuries, and there have been a few who have inspired me. One such person was the Swiss psychiatrist, Carl G. Jung. Jung started off as a follower of Sigmund Freud, and was deemed to be the “crown prince” to carry on Freud’s legacy. It is difficult to explain the complexities of their relationship in a 600 word blog post, but, in the end, they had a famous parting of ways. Jung wanted to explore his own ideas, which went beyond the scope of Freud’s theories. In his later years, Jung moved towards more transpersonal theories which incorporated the spiritual life of human beings. He was able to explain how mankind was capable of transformation and integrating aspects of the individual psyche, as well as the collective psyche, in a conscious and meaningful way. I was introduced to Jung during the first year of my psychotherapy training. His thoughts on psychotherapy, religion, symbolism and culture expanded my mind and broadened my spiritual landscape.

Before he died, Jung wrote a great autobiography on his life called, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, (1963). Here, he reflected back and described his life, and spiritual journey, in great detail. There are many things he wrote about in this book that were meaningful to me, but there is one quote that, to this day, is a guiding star for me on my path. This is what he wrote:

The meaning of my existence is that life has addressed a question to me. Or, conversely, I myself am a question which is addressed to the world, and I must communicate my answer, for otherwise I am dependent upon the world’s answer. That is a suprapersonal life task, which I accomplish only by effort and with difficulty. (pg.350)

This is profound stuff! Jung was one of those people who, even after they pass away, leaves a ripple effect for years to come, and he certainly left an impact on me. Thinking deeply about this quote, I believe he is saying that my life is a quest-ion and it is my responsibility to find the answers for myself. If I do not do this, I will rely on the world, or society, to tell me who I am, what I believe, and how I should live my life. At times, I have relied on the world for answers, not making an effort to find them for myself. Before I started writing this blog I felt like I was in limbo – waiting for something to happen, or to get some sort of direction from a mysterious, external source on the next steps in my life. But, nothing happened. Something inside of me sought expression and then I remembered this quote. I realized that it was down to me to find a way to communicate who I am, and what I want to put out into the world. One of my biggest fears was writing, but at the same time it was what I wanted to do, so I faced my fears and “peeling back an onion” was born. I am still searching for answers (perhaps, I always will), and I can attempt to convey my inner life in the best way I know how.

From time to time, I bring this guidance into the therapy room as I aim to provide the place for my clients to find their own answers for the life they want to live. As Jung reminds us, this is a lifelong task, which takes effort and can be difficult. But, in my experience, the rewards of living a meaningful life outweigh the difficulties to achieve this. I can’t imagine another journey that I would rather be on than the one I am on right now.

recurring dream

4 June, 2015

As I wrote in my first post, my search for the meaning of existence moved from an outer journey to an inner journey that I am traversing to this day. However, there is an intersection where outer and inner meet and this is in dreams. Dreams have helped me throughout my life. They have helped me towards growth, and guided me away from danger. My last therapist, Anthony Lunt, was the person who helped me to deepen my understanding of my dream life. I even had a dream that told me I should see him for therapy before I knew much about him.

The dream life of human beings used to be taken very seriously in ancient times, where special places were used to help people “incubate” their dreams for spiritual guidance from the Gods. There were priests who would facilitate this process, and those who sought this guidance would stay until a message was received. Sadly, today, our dream lives have been reduced down to books that give a generalized meaning for dreams, and many of us do not take their guidance seriously. When a client brings a dream, in my private practice, we look at the meaning uniquely to them and not a general interpretation.

©Frank Kovalchek, Flickr — **©Frank Kovalchek; Flickr**

I have had a series of dreams, or it could be a recurring dream, over the past 10 years, where outer life and inner life meet. Each dream starts off differently. In one version, I am on a road, or path, at the bottom of a town, like an Italian hill top town. I turn left and there are a row of houses down a narrow street. I am searching for the Piazza, or centre of town, to get to the market. I another version, I am in the same town, but turn right. The path leads down to a beach, with cafes and people all around. I realize that I need to get back up the hill to search for the Piazza. Every dream is in the same town, with the same aim of getting to the centre. I just keep taking different roads. Like a maze, the streets lead me further into the town; some lead nowhere and I have to turn back, others lead me closer to my destination. The town is beautiful, full of flowers and cafes, and small shops. I don’t recognize any of the people, but they are friendly and welcoming. Each dream ends the same way – I become aware, or conscious, that I am getting close to the centre and then I wake up. The Piazza eludes me to this day! However, I wake up feeling really well, like I’ve been to a place that I am meant to be in.

What I find interesting about this dream is that I have never been to a hill top town in Italy; I have only been to Rome. So, why is the Dream presented to me in this “place” and not in a town that I have spent time in? Hill top towns were built for defense purposes, so I wonder what this is telling me. Another thought is the maze-like quality of the town. Mazes can represent a spiritual path, and a puzzle to be solved, to get to the centre. And this is what makes the most sense to me. The town is a representation of myself, and I am trying to get to my own centre; the centre of my life. It is a continuous journey, but the mystery of my life, and possibly of Existence, still eludes me. But it is not a meaningless undertaking. I wake up feeling like I am in a place I am meant to be in, and this journey brings me a feeling of well being and, on deeper reflection, as sense of inner peace.

Perhaps Italy holds this place for me as a manifestation of the Dream on Earth. I am not sure, but a trip to Italy may be needed for research purposes (and, of course, the food, culture and architecture are added bonuses). Each time I have this dream, I am reminded that Life is a journey, and a path of self-discovery. I would love to know what you think.